Hi everybody. This meeting is being sponsored by the FA New England 12-Step Committee for the distinct purpose of creating tapes for the 12-Step Committee Tape Library. Those who wish, please join me in the serenity prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have to go back to my childhood because I have a long story to tell. I’m 70 years old. So, at 70 years old, I have to go back a long, long way. And I think I first remember at the age of approximately seven or eight years old. I don’t remember anything before that. And I came from a dysfunctional family, and I didn’t realize that until I came into Program. My mother was a…today, I guess I’d call her a food addict, but in those days, she just liked to eat. And my father would like his little “cup of tea” before dinner, but I couldn’t call him; they didn’t call him an alcoholic in those days, either. My family consisted of my mother, father, and I had an older brother, plus myself. I was always told what to do as a child. I could not do anything for myself. I was just a little guy that was around and not even seen most of the time. I was a scrawny little kid, and I was picked on by bullies.
I think my first memory of addiction I was approximately eight or nine years old, and my first addiction was cigarettes. I had a nicotine addiction at a very, very early age. And I had access to these cigarettes because my grandfather lived upstairs on the third floor of our house, and he used to roll his own. And I used to sneak up there all the time, and I used to grab his cigarettes. So, I’d say at a very early age, I became a nicotine addict.
I guess I want to talk about one thing in particular right now. We had a boarder who lived with us in the house, and he had a pig farm out in Franklin, Massachusetts, and he wanted us to come out and see the farm. So myself, and him and my mother and father went out to the farm, and they showed us around the farm. After a while, the group got separated. I was with the farmhand, my mother, father, and the border were in the house. I was probably eight years old at the time, and I got sexually abused by this farmhand. And I couldn’t say anything to anybody because he told me he’s going to kill me, he’s going to kill my mother and father. So, I was petrified. And I guess that was the first trauma I ever had. And I guess the thing, the whole thing was that I blamed myself for what happened. You know, at eight years old, why didn’t I stop it? Why didn’t I try to do something? What did I know at eight years old? I just let him do whatever he wanted to do. And I kept that with me all these years until I got married, actually. Because in those days, we didn’t have these trauma centers that you can go to. I couldn’t tell my folks. I couldn’t tell my brother. I was just scared. And in my married years, when I finally got married, I told my wife what happened when I was eight years old. And it was hard. It was really hard, because I lived with that for a long time. I think even to this day, my children don’t know what happened in that particular incident. So, as I said, that was eight years old.
I wasn’t a very good scholar. I was going to school. My uncle had a fruit, fish, and vegetable market in Dorchester; that’s where I came from. And he asked me to go to work for him. And I really wanted to go to work for him in the worst way, just to get some money in my pocket, a few dollars. And I went to work for this uncle of mine. I probably started when I was 11 years old, but when I got into high school (I was probably around 16), I wanted to go out for track. I wanted to go out for football. I wanted to go out for sports. And I couldn’t because he said, “You’ve got to work.” And I had no self-worth at that time. I was just told what to do. And I just went and did it. And it bothered me after that. But I was with that uncle until I graduated high school.
And that’s another thing I’ve got to talk about. Oh, I want to go back to this, my childhood again, just to show you where I’m coming from. My mother, God bless her, when I was very, very young, her greatest pleasure was going down to the store in the morning and buying the “Boston Post.” That was the newspaper at that time. And what she would do was look at the obituary column, and she would find a funeral to go to, whether she knew the deceased or not. So that’s where I’m coming from. And in those days when she was doing that, I got left alone an awful lot. And I remember, I don’t remember, but I was told one particular day, she left me alone to go to a funeral. Fortunately, I had an aunt who was upstairs cleaning my grandmother’s house, and she smelled gas. And she came down to my house, I had all the gas jets on. And if she hadn’t come down, I wouldn’t be standing here today. So, I’m grateful for that.
I want to move along now into high school. I was like, age of 16 at the time. And that was the, I think that was the biggest trauma in my life at the age of 16. My brother had gone into the Air Force during the Second World War. And I had been working for this uncle, as I was telling you, in the store, and two letter carriers came in, and they were asking for my sister-in-law, who at that time was out in California. And I said, she’s not here, she lives in California. So, they told me, point blank, yeah, her husband was killed, which was my brother. And, as I said, I was 16 at that time, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I called my uncle. He was at home, and he came back and talked to the letter carriers because in those days, that’s what they did. They used to come around with these telegraphs and that would be the good news. So, my uncle told me that he wants to wait until tomorrow to get confirmation from Washington that this is true. So, I should go home and not say anything to my parents. About two days before that, we had just gotten a letter from my brother. He was coming home to go to Officer Candidate School. I guess what happened, on the way home, the plane crashed. No survivors on board. So, I went home like I was always told to do. And I went home for supper. Of course, I couldn’t eat. And my mother says, “How come you’re not eating?” “I’m just not hungry.” So, she says to me, “You don’t seem very happy. Your brother’s coming home, and you don’t seem happy about it at all.” So, guess I was 16, going on 20 at that particular time. I kept it to myself. And the next day, I went to school like I was told. And I called my uncle’s store from school and I asked him what was going on and he said I better come to the store. When I came to the store, he was there with a couple other uncles, and they got confirmation from Washington that, yeah, he was there in the plane crash, and everybody on board was killed. Now he says, “Go home, but don’t say anything to your folks.” He said, “I want you to bring your father over tonight; whatever excuse you want to make.” So, I talked to my father after supper. I went through the same routine, of course, with my mother again, “How come you’re not eating,” the whole bit. And I said to my father, “How about going over to Larry’s house?” He says, “Well, what’s the occasion?” I said, “Just, you know, we haven’t seen the kids for a while. Why don’t we just take a walk over?” Because we didn’t have a car in those days. We walked over there and they took my father into the other room, and they told him what happened. And I didn’t see a tear in my father’s eyes. That’s the way he was. He kept everything inside. And that’s what I did later on in life, too.
Now the question was, what do we do with my mother? How do we tell her? Because she had a condition, a heart condition, so on and so forth. On the way home, we stopped at the drug store and told the druggist what happened. He was, you know, a family druggist. And he gave us some kind of medication for her, which we gave her, and we told her he was in an accident. And she said, “Well, I don’t care if he doesn’t have any arms or any legs, I want him home.” So, it was really tough because we finally had to tell her that he was killed in that plane crash. And one thing she asked me to promise her, and that was never to fly, and I made that promise to my mother.
Anyway, moving right along, when I was 18 years old, the draft was still on, and I was about to be drafted, so I decided I wanted to enlist. So, I enlisted in the Air Force because my brother was in the Air Force. And my mother made me make a promise that I would not go overseas because I was the lone survivor of the family, and if you’re a lone survivor of the family, you didn’t have to go overseas. So, I told her, okay, meanwhile, I went through basic training with all these friends of mine, and they were going overseas. So, I got my orders to go overseas without saying anything to the commanding officer and so on and so forth. And I went overseas with the rest of the group. And I called my mother from Japan and told her where I was. And she was all shook up. But it was okay. I did what I had to do. And I spent time in the Air Force over there in Japan. And then it was time for discharge. And they were going to send me to Seattle, Washington for discharge, which was probably going to take about four or five days by train.
I had a beautiful uniform when I came out, but it was creased, the shirt was creased, my pants were creased and I couldn’t see going on a train for five days, so I put passage in an aircraft and, I didn’t know what to do about that because…kind of stupid when I think of it today, I sent a telegram to my mother telling her that I’d be home tonight from Seattle, Washington without thinking. Of course, she put two and two together, so she was really worried by the time I came home, of course, but it was funny because, you know I talked about working for this uncle, I could never get away from him. Finally, I was able to get away from him.
And I came home after the service, I didn’t know what to do as far as work and so on was concerned. And what do I do? I went back to work for this uncle again. It’s back to no self-worth all over again. Anyway, I went back to work for my uncle, who had a food, fish, and vegetable market. And I worked there for, I don’t know how many years I worked there, actually. And I didn’t want to work there. I wanted to get away, but I had no place to go.
So, what they did was, I had a friend who was a fireman in the Dorchester Fire Department, and I guess he had to go to California; he had a death in the family. And he was looking for a couple of people to help drive out there. Well, right away I told my uncle, now I’m 18 or 19, I said, I’ll do what I want now. And I told him, I’m leaving. So, we went to California and stayed there for a while, and I had a great time. But the crops were bad in those days, and I didn’t last too long out there. The jobs were very, very scarce.
So, I came home again. Of course, I went back to work for my uncle again. While I was working for my uncle, they had a coming-home party for me and my other buddy. And there were about five guys from Dorchester who were going out to Chelsea to meet five girls out in Chelsea, which was the end of the world as far as I was concerned. And they made a coming-home party. And it happened to be in my wife’s house, who I’m married to right now. And I walked into this room looking at these girls, wondering which one is going to be mine, you know. And the person I looked at, I was hoping she would be my date for the night.
We have been married 49 years in February. And we have four children. We have about eight grandchildren. And we have a great granddaughter. So, we have a lot to be thankful for today. While I was courting my wife, her brothers were in the floor covering business. And that was the opportunity for me to get away from my uncle again. And I went to work for them in the floor covering business. We got married. And I wanted a family early because my family, my mother and father, when I was born, they were like, old timers, too old for me. And I wanted to enjoy my family, and actually, you know, bring them up at a younger age and be able to enjoy them. I don’t remember enjoying my family. It was awful, really, to think of it now. But anyway, we had a daughter the first year. And after that, about three years later, we had twin boys. And shortly after that, we had another girl. So, we had a beautiful family, four children.
As I said, I was working for my brother-in-law at the time. And it just didn’t last, that’s not what I was looking for. So went to work at a dress factory out in Waltham, and I worked for them for quite a while. And all this time, you know, the kids were home, and I knew about this program for a long time because my wife’s been in Program for 25 years. And I don’t know what happened, all of a sudden, you know, the kids were home, and every night we go out, we buy hot fudge sundaes, and we treat ourselves in front of my wife, who was sitting there watching us eat. And those were the good days as far as I could remember them.
And then, all of a sudden, one by one, they left the roost. This one got married, that one got married. And I was all alone except for my wife and myself. And I started to get depressed because, as I said, she was in Program. And I hardly saw her. It seemed like she was either going to meetings every night or had her phone dangling from her ear, talking to people in Program. So, I started to get little depressed. And I also got depressed with my job, where I worked at that time for a company called Honeywell. I worked for them for 26 years. And I could always do things for myself, but I never asked for help, and that’s what got me into trouble.
I went to work one day; it was just, I don’t know what it was. Something hit me. Everything closed in on me at once, and I started to feel really bad, depressed. I don’t know what you want to call it. And I got up one morning, and I said to my wife, “I can’t go to work today.” And she said, “What’s the matter?” And I guess she saw what was happening with me. So, I told her what was going on. And she says to me, “I think you need help.” She said, “Would you go to a therapist with me?” I said, “Certainly.” So, I went to a therapist with her. And I went to a therapist for quite a while. And one day I woke up. When I went to work every day, I was going over the Mystic Bridge. And every time I went over the bridge, I saw this abutment in front of me. And I said, “Should I or shouldn’t I?” That’s how depressed I was.
So anyway, the counselor that we were going to, my wife called her one day because I said, “I can’t go to work today.” And she called the counselor up, and the counselor said, “I want you to come in with your husband.” We went to her office, and we sat down with her, and there was a fourth party in the room. I didn’t know who he was. I found out afterwards who he was. So, they were talking to me, and this fellow who was in there was a psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me as manic-depressive suicidal. And he asked me if I would go to a hospital.
Well, the thought of going to a hospital was like an escape. I didn’t have to worry about my job. I didn’t have to worry about family, didn’t have to worry about taking the dirt out. I didn’t have to worry about the cat, the whole business. I said, “Yeah, sure.” So, they sent me to Winthrop Hospital, and I had to sign my name to be admitted, not realizing what was coming in store for me.
I signed a lot of papers, and my wife and I and somebody else took us around the corner, and then we went up an elevator and pushed a button, a door opened, and as soon as we walked in, the door locked behind me, and I realized where I was. I was in the mental ward of a hospital. And it was hard because I was in my 40s at the time. And it was very, very difficult. I was overwhelmed that this was going to happen to me. I’ve heard of people having nervous breakdowns, but no, it’s not going to happen to me. And I did. I had a nervous breakdown. And I was in this hospital, probably, for about eight weeks. And when I earned enough credits, if you will, to go home for the weekend, when my turn came to go home, I said, “I don’t want to go home.” I couldn’t go home.
I went through some awful times, and my wife came to visit me. She said, “How are you doing?” I said, “I’m doing good.” I said, “I’ve got my family here.” Oh, she went berserk when she heard my family was here. But this was the only family I knew because the people in there were like me. And you know, I said, I can always help everybody else. I couldn’t help myself. I helped these other patients. In fact, some of the parents of the patients came in and thought I was a doctor, that I was taking care of these other patients. I couldn’t take care of myself.
Well, anyway, to make a long story short, I was asked by the doctor when I got out if I would consider going to a 12-step program called O-Anon, which is a takeoff from Al-Anon, I believe. It was friends and relatives of the compulsive overeater, and I was willing to go. But it didn’t pan out for me. It just didn’t pan out. That’s not what I was looking for. So, I was depressed when I came out of the hospital. I put on a lot of weight because they were great to me there. We had hot fudge sundaes every day. I had steak every day. We had lobsters every day there.
And my kids were bringing me these nice things like Mr. Goodbars, which I used to love. And I was putting on a lot of weight, an awful lot of weight. And I finally came out of there. And of course, I don’t know how many pounds I put on, but I was about 45 pounds more than I am right now. And my wife asked me, “Why don’t you try”, at that time, the program was called Overeaters Anonymous, which she was going to. And I said, “No, that’s not for me. That’s for you.” Because I didn’t see men in the program. I saw women in that program. I saw men in Alcoholics Anonymous, but not in this particular program, and I just didn’t want to do it. I said, “I’ll do it on my own.” And I went to Weight Watchers, and that was very successful. I was losing, I don’t know, five pounds a week at Weight Watchers. What they do is they weigh you every week. And after I’d get weighed in, I’d lose the weight, and we’d all get together and go over to Brigham’s afterwards. That was Weight Watchers.
And the weight did come off. And once the weight came off, I left Weight Watchers because I didn’t need them anymore. And I guess they looked down at themselves at that time, and they probably said, here’s another guy going out the door, but he’s going to be back. But I was too proud to go back to Weight Watchers again, so I tried other diets, diet workshops, other things, supplement pills, and so on and so forth. And they worked too, but only for a short time. So, my wife finally said to me one day, “You know, you need a program.” What kind of a program? She said, “Well, how about starting a new 12-step program that never existed before?” What is that? “It’s called Couples Club.” One member of each couple had to be an abstinent member of OA in those days. And I said, “Okay,” so I joined this group. Because we had no communication in those days, especially when I first got out of the hospital. So, I joined this program. And it was working well. And one particular guy I used to see every week, his name was Tony, and he was about five feet tall and five feet wide. He wasn’t in OA program, of course, his girlfriend was at the time. And about five or six weeks later, seven weeks later, eight weeks later, I remember, I looked at Tony, and Tony lost a lot of weight. I said, “Tony, what did you do? How’d you lose your weight?” He said, “I joined them.” So, he put a bug in my ear. I thought, well, if he can do it, I could probably do it myself. But you know, I didn’t reach that so-called bottom they talk about all the time.
Here in Chelsea, we have a Market Basket, and my wife used to go shopping there every single week. And every time we’d go shopping, she would take the basket and go around and do her business, and I would head right for the nut aisle, cashew nuts. And as I went by, I would rip them open, take a handful of nuts, and stick them in my pocket. Well, this went on for quite some time. And so, one night we were coming out of the supermarket, and some guy taps me on the shoulder, and says, “Can we see you upstairs, sir?” Well, I went upstairs, my wife was right behind me, she knew what was going on, and they practically crucified me. They really didn’t have to do what they did, but they did, and maybe I should be grateful for that today, because I’m stealing food. So, you know, I was a food addict in those days, and I wasn’t even realizing it. And they took me upstairs, and they asked me this, they asked me that, and so forth, and they let me go. But she said to me, I turned so white she thought I was going to have a heart attack. So, I guess I really hit that so-called bottom at that time.
So, I was ready to do something else. She said to me, “If you don’t join the program,” she said, “how about I put you in gray sheet?” In those days, we had a gray sheet food plan. I said, “All right, I’ll try it.” So, she would make me a so-called abstinent breakfast in the morning and pack me an abstinent lunch. And of course, when I came home at night, I’d have an abstinent dinner. And she didn’t realize that every time I went to work in the morning, I would stop and get a cup of coffee with sugar in it, of course, with a donut. And at lunchtime, they let you make your own sundaes. So that’s what I had every single day. After about two weeks of her giving me lunch and everything, she said, “You look like you’re putting on weight.”
Well, I was furious. I said, with the food plan you’re giving me, all the denial was right then and there. I used to hide things in the cellar, because I thought my wife would never find them down in the cellar. The only time she would go down to the cellar would be for her grandkids. And one day she went down there, and she found a lot of stuff I had hidden down there. And I was ashamed. It’s not that I couldn’t buy it or steal it. I could. I just didn’t want anybody to know I was eating. So, she finally said to me one day, “You know, I see you going up and down like a yo-yo. It’s not healthy. I’d rather see you fat.” And I didn’t want to be fat. So, she said to me, “How about if you come to a meeting and just listen?” I said, “All right.” So, I came to a meeting. And I half listened. I really did listen. I half listened. And she said it was a three-fold disease: spiritual, mental, and physical. And I guess I was looking for all three at that particular time, especially the spiritual part. I wasn’t spiritual at all. And I walked into the meeting, and the first thing, everybody was standing there holding hands, saying the Lord’s Prayer. I was ready to walk out because I was offended by it. Because to me, the Lord’s Prayer was a religious program, not a spiritual program. I think today, most meetings, I think all the meetings now start with the Serenity Prayer, and that was fine because they had to change that. And I finally decided, once and for all, I think maybe I should try this program.
So, I tried the program. I came in on a Thursday night, it happened to be in Chelsea, and at the end of the meeting, they said, find a sponsor who has what you want and ask how that was achieved. And who I really wanted to sponsor me, actually, was my own wife, but I couldn’t do that. So, I did the next best thing, and I asked one of her sponsees if she would sponsor me. She said, “Sure.” I said, “Okay, I’ll call you Monday morning.” She’s like, “Hell, you will.” She said, “You call me tomorrow morning.” And she gave me a food plan that night. Because I figured Thursday night, I’m going to have a great time Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Didn’t work out that way.
And she started to sponsor me, and it was really working out well. I was losing weight. I was doing what I was told. I don’t think I was weighing and measuring in those days. I was kind of eyeballing it. Because I don’t think we had restrictions in those days, as far as looking at the food, how much you weighed, and so forth. Yeah, it did say it’s four ounces of this or four ounces of that. But I stayed with the sponsor, and she said, after three months, I’ll be able to get up and share in a meeting.
So, the first thing I said to myself, I think, I’m going to break my abstinence because I can’t stand up in front of a bunch of people. But my pride said, no, you can’t do that. So, after three months, I was able to share. And I was asked by someone in the Revere meeting one night if I would qualify the following week. I’d never led a meeting before. I’m not talking about a qualification now. I was scared. So, I said no. They said, “You can’t say no.” Okay, yes. Well, you know, I happened to see a man there. He’s in another 12-step program. And I was really petrified at that meeting because the leader would be sitting out in front and everybody on the other side of the room with no protection whatsoever. I need protection. I’ve always had a need for protection. I don’t know what it is like tonight, standing in front of this podium here. So, I had to tell this fellow about it, and he didn’t say anything to me, but I came the next week to qualify, and he had a desk waiting for me so I could sit behind the desk. And that was the first time I qualified at the meeting, and I was really, I was really grateful. I was really grateful.
But you know, going back to after getting my three months, my sponsor wanted me to go into an AWOL. And I didn’t want to go into an AWOL. I didn’t know what it was all about. Everything I was told to do now, they’re telling me to do something else. So, when I came to this AWOL, I sat at the AWOL, and I didn’t hear anything at all for the first AWOL I went through, which probably lasted either a year or a year and a half. I didn’t hear a thing. So I got nothing out of it. I showed up, but I got nothing out of it. You know, today’s AWOLs, I swear by AWOLs. I’m co-leading an AWOL right now; this is the third AWOL I’m co-leading. We’re in Step 10 right now, which is the maintenance step, and I’m really grateful for that.
During the time I was in Program, I was still smoking. And my wife said to me, “Why don’t you try smoking through the 12 steps?” I said, “You can’t do that.” “Why?” I said, “Look at the Big Book; the Big Book talks about alcohol. You know, it’s tough enough to put the food down, reading about alcohol all the time. Now you want me to put the cigarettes down with the Big Book.” And I just couldn’t do it. So, my son gave me an idea. Why didn’t I start a group called Smokers Anonymous? These days they’re called Nicotine Anonymous, and they did. I started a meeting here in Chelsea, and it probably lasted for about six years. And after six years, my sponsor in OA at that time asked me if I would co-lead my first AWOL with her.
And I said, “Gee, I really don’t want to give up the smokers meeting” because it was the same night. She said, “Well, what’s more important to you?” I said, “Well, they’re both important,” because I don’t want to leave anybody behind because I believed, if I left that program, the program would dissolve in Chelsea. And unfortunately, it did. But I was asked to lead an AWOL, and I was grateful to be asked. And I said to her, “Do you think I’m ready to lead an AWOL?” She said, “Do you know if you’ll ever be ready?” I said, “No, I really don’t.” So, we did, we started an AWOL, my sponsor, myself, and I’ve been co-leading AWOLs ever since.
I don’t know, I can’t say enough about this program. I had a problem a while back when I had my first sponsor, and I was in my fourth step, and we had an altercation between the two of us, and it was time to drop her, and she was going to drop me. And I was right in the middle of writing my fourth step inventory. And it was difficult because now I had to get a new sponsor whom I hardly knew, and giving away a fifth step sooner or later. And I did get another sponsor, and I did give that fifth step away to that sponsor. And I guess what helped me was giving it away was trust, because this program teaches you to trust, and I did trust.
So, I’ve come a long way in this program. I’ve been around these rooms probably 14 years now, and I haven’t been abstinent; I can’t say I have been abstinent for 14 years. One time, I got very defiant, and I said to myself, I’m going to get out of here. I’m sick and tired of being told what to do. I have a gray sheet. I know what the food plan is. I know what I have to do. And I left my sponsor, and I left the program. I was out there for about, I’d say, two weeks. And I put on 10 pounds in two weeks. Being abstinent. But I didn’t leave. I came right back again. And I got myself a new sponsor. And I’ve been abstinent ever since. I don’t even know how much time I’ve got in abstinence right now. It’s a long, long time.
I don’t know, today I’m fortunate, I have three sponsees. I have a good sponsor today. In fact, my sponsor is in Florida. It’s comical, because I mentioned last night at the meeting that a lot of people from out of state are getting people from around here to sponsor them, and I had to go to Florida to get a sponsor. But it’s worked out well. I’ve known this person for years. She came from here.
The only difference between my sponsees and myself, I’ve got a little bit longer in Program. I have a little bit more knowledge, possibly. But I’m thankful I have good sponsees because I’m called on time when they’re supposed to call me. I think I go to three meetings a week, plus an AWOL. I make my telephone calls in the morning. I make three calls during the day if I possibly can. The most important thing to me, I think, is quiet time. I take my quiet time at the same time every single day, which is very, very important to me.
If it wasn’t for this program, I don’t think I would be around today. I think I’d be buried a long time ago, and I would have lost my marriage, I know, a long, long time ago. But thank God for my wife, she hung him there with me.
I went through an awful lot before I found…before the program found me, because I didn’t find the program, I guess it did find me. And I’m grateful for the fellowship that’s in the program today. I can’t say enough about the fellowship. I have people call me from all over the world on a daily basis. I have one girl who calls me from Washington three times a week just to talk to me. And I feel flattered by that. I guess one of the reasons she calls me is because she started an AWOL, the first one they started up in Washington. And it’s all new to her, so she calls me like every Wednesday because her AWOL is Wednesday night, and we kind of go over the format for the meeting at night. So, I’m grateful for these people in the program that are calling me, and I’m able to call them because they say, you know, a long time ago I could never get up and talk in front of an audience, if you will. I was always told what to do, growing up as a child, and I finally got out of that.
One quick story I want to talk about. Years ago, my father told me that I could never do anything right. And I could never help him because I would either break one of his tools or whatever it might be. And I went to see a movie one day called “The Charge of the Light Brigade.” And what it was, the British soldiers had their lances, and when they charged, you know, they say “Charge.” And my father, that particular day, said to me, “I want you to go down to the cellar and get me a plunger. The toilet is blocked up.” I go down to get the plunger, and on the way up, there was a wall in front of me, and I said, “Charge.” I hit the plunger into the wall, and the whole wall came out. So, you know, these are the things I remember as a youngster. Growing up, after I got married, we had to replace the toilet seat one day, and I said, “If I replace the toilet seat, I’m going to break the toilet.” My father told me I’m going to do that. So, I tried to get these screws off from underneath, and they were all rusty from I don’t know how long it’s been there. Sure enough, the whole toilet came apart. And I remember my father saying, “You can’t do anything right.”
And it’s an awful thing to go through all your life. And I really am afraid to attempt things today. Today, I would rather pay somebody to do it for me. No matter how small it is, I would rather pay for it. I would rather work, earn the money, and pay somebody else to do the work. But those days are gone. And I look back at the days that I had the nervous breakdown or whatever you want to call it. And they were giving me medication. Just give me medication to cure me. I’m all set.
And then one time in Program a short time ago, I had a, I don’t know what it was. In the wintertime, it bothers me that my brother got killed in the wintertime. And I felt like I was slipping again. I needed help. So, I went for counseling while I was in Program. And the counselor said to me, “Next week I’m going to put you on medication.” Great. As long as I can feel better, I don’t care what it is. So, I went home, and I told my wife they’re going to put me on medication the following week. She says, “Are you in a program of 12 Steps?” I said, “Yeah.” She says, “Why don’t you practice the 12 Steps in your life? You don’t need the medication.” I went back and told the doctor the following week. “I’m not taking any medication. I’m in a 12-step program.” Easy, good. And that was it. And I haven’t taken medication since, except for my asthma or any other problems. But I don’t take mood-altering drugs today. And I can’t because I’m in an AWOL.
One of the big things was giving up coffee, high-test coffee, I used to call it—caffeine. And it took me a long time to drop that. And one of the commitments in the AWOL is you have to have decaffeinated coffee. So, I went to decaffeinated coffee. I guess the question is surrender. And I hear that word all the time, surrender, just surrender. Do what you’re told and everything’s going be fine.
I work the program like everybody else today. I weigh and measure my food. I get down on my knees. I ask God for another abstinent day. And when I wake up in the morning, I’m grateful because I have another day in front of me. I don’t know how many more days I’m going to have in front of me. But with all the problems I have physically with the asthma and emphysema, I’m in good shape. I’m really in good shape. I look at other people. I have no problems at all. And I think it’s all due to this program, as I said before.
So, as I say, I really can’t speak enough of this program and fellowship in the program. My sponsees, my sponsor, I say the fellowship, you know, when I first came in, they talked about God and I threw God out of my life when my brother died. I didn’t have a God. And one of the AWOL leaders said, “Act as if,” and that’s what I did. I acted as if. I use you people in the audience here as my God. And they said, whatever you want to use for God, your higher power, whatever you want to call it, I choose to use the fellowship as my God. And after a while, I do have a God of my understanding, and I choose to call him God. And it was a long time getting that back, because I just didn’t trust. Why did He take my brother away? Why did He do this? Why did He do that? I guess there’s a reason for everything.
Going through the program, my wife had a mastectomy, and that was awful. The things I had to go through. I felt so devastated. And they told me, you know, the first five years, once you get by the first five years, after that operation, everything is going to be fine. Well, it’s been about 15 years, and I still don’t think it’s fine. I haven’t seen the first five years yet.
A lot of fear, and I think there are a lot of us that have fear, and I, it’s fear, it’s fear, doubt, and insecurity with me. And am I getting better? Yeah, I’m getting a lot better. These 12 steps that I’m working in sequence, you know, are telling me what to do on a daily basis, and I try to do this program to the best of my ability. Not perfect. I’ll never be perfect. Hopefully, I’ll never be perfect. I’m just another bozo on the bus. But they say it’s progress and not perfection.
I heard somebody talk about assets and defects when I first came in. I didn’t have any assets, I should say. Everything I looked at was a defect all the way down the line. Today, I look at it, I get a lot of these defects I had and move to the asset column. And a lot of people tell me today the difference they’ve seen in me through the years and Program. And it’s nice to see the difference. I don’t see it myself until it’s pointed out to me. But it’s okay as long as it’s pointed out to me.
And I don’t know really what to add. I could probably stand up here for another couple of hours, but I guess I’m kind of limited. And I didn’t want to get up here in the first place because I’m really nervous. And I get nervous even standing and talking to people in front of meetings today. And that’s after 14 years. So, as I say, I’m not perfect.
I just want to thank everybody for being here today, and as I say, if you come into the program, the first thing you want to do is try to get a sponsor and ask what they have and try to get a sponsor in the program because… I tried to work without a sponsor for a while, and it didn’t work. You have to have a sponsor today. So, if you know, you know, come to this meeting, come to three meetings before you decide it’s not for you, because the program is not for everybody. Today I know it’s for me. I know I’m a food addict, and I have to be here. So, I want to thank you for listening.
After a moment of silence, all those who wish, would you please join me in the Serenity Prayer?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thank you.