This meeting is being sponsored by the FA general service organization for the distinct purpose of creating recordings for the FA CD library.
I’m really excited to be here. This is the fourth FA conference, and I’ve been lucky enough to attend all four. This is definitely a little overwhelming, and I’m really excited to be doing this service. I’ve been on my knees a few times in the last half hour and done a few other things I typically do when I’m nervous, including noticing that I’m very cold. My stomach is going a little crazy, but that’s just what happens to me. I have fear, doubt, and insecurity, and it all goes with being a food addict.
I’ll start with the basics. My numbers. I’m 32 years old. I came into the program four and a half years ago, and it will be five years in December. I came into the program at 214 pounds. I was actually 220 the week before, but I’m very clear that when I stepped on the scale after coming into the program, it said 214. I had tried another one of my little diets before actually coming into the rooms.
My current weight is about 172. My highest weight of all time was 260 pounds. My lowest weight after coming into the program was around 166, and I started looking a little too thin, so I gradually came back up. For the last four solid years, I’ve stayed within about two or three pounds, which is incredible to me. It’s a miracle.
I’ll start with what it was like, then what happened, and then what it’s like now. I tend to dwell too much on what it was like and not enough on what it’s like now, so I’ll try to balance that.
I grew up in I. After a few attempts at geographical cures, I’m back there now. I was born into a wonderful family with two loving parents, a sister, and a brother. We had aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents who came over from Europe. My family was Jewish by religion, but more in terms of tradition and family than belief. I didn’t really grow up with God being an important part of my life, but we did have strong family traditions, like Friday night dinners.
Life seemed pretty easy before my sister was born. I got all the attention I needed. When she was born, when I was about two and a half, I think my first character defect developed: resentment. Up until then, I had all my parents’ attention. She was a much more needy child than I was, and my parents spent more time with her. I wasn’t very communicative, and I preferred watching TV and eating on the couch.
Looking back, I realize my sister didn’t do anything wrong, and I love her, but that resentment overtook much of my life. Growing up, food was central. Portion sizes were huge. Meals were served on platters passed around the table, and each main dish could have fed the entire room. There was food for far more people than were actually there. I didn’t know to stop eating until the platters stopped coming or everyone else had left the table.
I had absolutely no concept of how much to eat. I was used to ending every meal full. I didn’t know what it felt like to stop eating before being full. I know now that when I weigh and measure my food, I don’t get hungry between meals. That concept never occurred to me until I tried it.
Growing up, I ate when food was in front of me. I ate when I was happy, sad, stressed, nervous. I just ate. Between childhood and around age eight or nine, I wasn’t really overweight, maybe just soft. I wasn’t skinny like other kids, and I thought I was fat. Kids made fun of me because I wasn’t fast or athletic. I got labeled early, and it stuck with me. That fear and insecurity followed me.
Around age ten, I really started gaining weight. My mother opened a bulk food store that later shifted to selling sugary products. I used to sneak food there. Saturdays with my father often involved fast food, especially foods my mother wouldn’t allow. By age twelve, I was very overweight.
Around age ten or eleven, I tried a diet program for the first time. I was the youngest person there. I was taught how to eat properly, but I ignored it. I ate snacks after school, then dinner, and just ate too much. I experimented with strange food combinations and shortcuts, often microwaving things that shouldn’t be microwaved or eating foods raw. I don’t know where I got these ideas. It’s a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease.
At thirteen, I went away for the summer to what was called a sports camp but was actually a weight loss camp. I didn’t tell my friends. I came back much thinner, having lost about 50 pounds, and I’d grown taller. I had my first romantic experiences. For the first time, girls noticed me. But I had the mind of someone who was fat with the body of someone who was thin. Within a couple of years, the weight came back.
Through my teens and early adulthood, my weight went up and down. I lost weight through various programs, then gained it back. When I went to university, I stayed in residence for three years because of the meal plan. I gained about 70 pounds and reached my highest weight of 260. At 23, I had serious health issues usually seen in much older people.
I lost weight again on another diet, then gained it back after life transitions. This pattern repeated. I hated getting dressed in the morning. My clothes hurt. I was deeply embarrassed by my body and hid it under layers of clothing.
I also had very unhealthy relationships. One relationship in particular lasted on and off for about eight years and was part of my disease. I eventually moved to I, partly to escape that relationship and partly out of resentment and comparison with my sister. I was doing well professionally, but I was depressed. I drank and partied on weekends so I could lower my inhibitions and eat compulsively.
My parents heard about this program at a conference and connected me with someone. After several phone calls, something clicked. During that first call, I started the program. I threw out all my food, bought what I was told to buy, and committed. I hadn’t been to a meeting yet and didn’t know anything about the Steps or spirituality, but I took action. Many of the people whose numbers I was given that first day are still people I talk to today.
That was almost five years ago. Today, my life is completely different. If you had asked me years ago what my goal was, it was simply to be thin. I thought everything would be perfect if I wasn’t fat. That turned out not to be true. But this program brought everything together in a way nothing else ever did.
Today, I live by simple actions: weighing and measuring my food, quiet time, meetings, phone calls, sponsorship, and service. These tools are my lifeline. They form a force field that protects me from myself. I’ve lost weight and kept it off. I’ve faced fears, tried new things, built healthy relationships, and found peace I never had before.
I know that left to my own devices, I self-destruct. This program works because it’s not me running the show. I’m deeply grateful for that.
Thank you for the opportunity to share. I hope someone here or listening hears something they can relate to. Even if you’re sitting alone in a room, it’s okay. People will come. Keep showing up. Keep working the program. The best service you can do is staying abstinent one day at a time.