This transcript is produced by Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, also known as FA. FA is a program based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is free and open to anyone who wants to stop eating addictively. The following is one FA member’s story of recovery. The opinions expressed here are those of the individual member and do not represent FA as a whole. If you are new to or uncertain about FA, we encourage you to listen to several stories to learn more about what the program offers.
I’m nervous, so I guess that’s good. In the Big Book, it says I’m supposed to talk a little bit about what I used to be like, what happened, and what I’m like today. I hear a lot of times in meetings, “what it used to be like, what happened, and what it’s like today,” and it took me a long time to realize I was the “it.” I thought food was the problem, but then I realized the problem is when it gets into my body. Something happens to me differently.
I can’t eat flour and sugar the way other people can. I don’t know what it is or why I have it. I just know I’ve got it. That’s where I finally had to get to, accepting the fact that I’ve got it. It doesn’t matter if the world understands it or not. The fact is that I have it.
When I came into this program, I was 265 pounds. I was on a sleep apnea machine. I was taking 3,000 milligrams of Motrin a day to function. I was on high blood pressure pills, which they told me I would be on for the rest of my life. And I didn’t think I had a problem.
I got here because a friend was going to get his stomach stapled, and we came to this program to find a place for him so that this wouldn’t happen. He didn’t stay, and I did.
To qualify myself as a food addict, I don’t remember much of having a problem with food as a kid growing up. I’m also an alcoholic, and my food addiction really happened after I got sober. That’s when it really took off because I substituted food for alcohol. I knew when I ate, I could stuff these feelings down, and I could actually feel it happening. When I would eat, I could feel things get better. I felt like I could function a little better.
My last year of eating, that didn’t work anymore. I would drive through a drive-thru and order for two people, even though there was only one person, because I was ashamed of how much I ate.
I didn’t want anybody to know. These people didn’t really care. All they cared about was whether I had enough money to pay for the food I ordered. But I didn’t see it that way. The whole world was about me. Everything was about me.
When I came to this program, I was an extremely self-centered, egotistical, abusive person. Growing up, I would abuse my kids. If they got in front of the TV, I would kick them. If they ate any of my food, I would get furious. I was really, really sick, and I didn’t see it. It was the only way I knew. Our family was pretty insane. We’ve had a lot of suicide in our family. I’ve had two sisters-in-law commit suicide, two nephews commit suicide. Our whole family is pretty crazy. I don’t think much of my blood family. You people are my family. I’ve never been close to anybody in my blood family. To this day I don’t see much of them or talk to them.
One of the best things my father did for me was when I was about twenty-seven years old. I had stolen some money from a bowling league, and he walked into my house, put the money on the table, and said, “You’re no longer my son.” Then he walked out and didn’t talk to me again for three years. That was the best thing he ever did for me because it was the first time I quit leaning on people. As long as I had someone to bail me out, I would use it. I look back today, and it’s a total miracle to me that I’m abstinent. It’s a total miracle to me that I’m sober.
A little more about myself. I broke into a store when I was about twelve years old and stole a bunch of food and some booze. We went camping, ate all the food, and threw the rest away. As I grew up, I forgot about all of this stuff. I got to a point where I completely didn’t think about anybody. I got married when I was eighteen years old because I didn’t want to be at home anymore, and I was terrified to be by myself. When I graduated from high school, and we threw our hats in the air, I remember saying, “What the hell am I going to do now?” From the time I was twelve until I was twenty-one, I was either on probation, in juvenile hall, or on my way back. I was the type of person who would bring women into the house and have sex with them on the couch. My wife caught me. She took a butcher knife to my son and was going to cut his head off to get back at me. I laughed at her. She looked at me and said, “You SOB, you’re not worth it,” and threw the knife down. That’s how I was. I was one sick person. I had three children, one who passed away and two who are still alive. My first son passed away when he was two and a half months old due to a heart problem. His arteries were switched. All they could do was cut a hole in his heart to create a defect. At the time, I was drinking. My wife was trying to find me to tell me our son was in the hospital. I was hiding in the floorboard of a friend’s car. She said, “Tell that SOB his son is in the hospital,” knowing I was hiding there. I remember going to the hospital and seeing him. I remember seeing the heart machine and saying, “God, I’ll stop drinking if you just make him okay.” He made it through the operation. The next day on the way home, I had a beer. The next morning I went back and saw his heart stop three times. He died. For many years I blamed myself. I never went to his grave. I never put a tombstone on his grave for fourteen years. I was a very sick individual.
This program and the Twelve Steps literally saved my life. I was watching television one day, and they were talking about a pill that would let people eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight. My first thought was, “Why didn’t they come out with that six years ago before I came into this program?” Then my next thought was that I wouldn’t have what I have today. I wouldn’t be married. I wouldn’t have a beautiful wife who cares for me. I wouldn’t allow anybody into my life if it hadn’t been for this program. It taught me to open up and be willing to let people see me for who I am.
My whole life changed as a result of working the steps. When I found out I was a food addict, it was through my eating. I tried every remedy I could find. I tried every diet that allowed me to eat a lot of food. I didn’t try any diet that involved weighing and measuring or going to meetings. I’m a total isolator.
I got on the Atkins diet because I read one paragraph that said, “If you’re hungry, you’re not eating enough.” I thought maybe I could do this. It said I could eat as much as I wanted of certain foods, and they happened to be foods I liked. I lost weight. I went from about 240 pounds to 170 pounds. At 240 pounds, I hated myself. At 170 pounds, I hated myself. I looked in the mirror, said, “I hate you,” and started eating again.
I got back up to 250 pounds and tried Atkins again. It didn’t work. Then I tried the cabbage soup diet. Same thing. It said I could eat as much as I wanted. Every third day I was allowed a baked potato. I remember getting one bigger than my plate. It was probably three pounds. That’s how I ate. I wasn’t so much about flour and sugar. I was about quantities. I got down to 170 pounds again. I looked in the mirror, said, “I hate you,” and started eating again. Eventually I got up to 260 pounds. I tried the cabbage soup diet again. I made a pot of it, poured a bowl, looked at it, smelled it, and thought, “There’s no way I can do this.” I dumped it in the garbage.
Then I said, “Okay, God, if I’m supposed to be heavy, then just let me be okay with being fat.” I tried to pretend everything was okay, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t be okay. I would sneak off from work and go to buffets. The only reason I went to movies was to eat. It got really bad. I lost all the cartilage in my right leg, so I was taking 3,000 milligrams of Motrin for the pain. I came to FA because of a friend. I sat there making fun of the meetings. I called it “Fat Asses Anonymous.” When they told me I had to get up and share after ninety days, I didn’t want to because I knew I’d have to be honest. For my first ninety days, I spent my time trying to figure out how I could lose my abstinence without losing my abstinence because I was terrified to eat and terrified to go back where I came from. The weight came off very fast. I lost it in about five months. I got below my goal weight and had to eat more food to gain weight. I hated myself so much that I would hit myself in the face. I would beat my head against the shower wall because I hated myself. I was given a cleansing prayer to say repeatedly. I would put my hands over my head and say, “I cleanse my body of all outside influences that were not of my own making.”
I hated women. God seemed to have a sense of humor because I came into a program with only a couple of men, and then I had to get a woman as a sponsor. As a child, I didn’t trust women. My sister used to tie me up in a gunny sack when I was little. I started doing what I was told. I got a sponsor. I’m not somebody who volunteers information. If you ask me a question, I won’t lie. But if you don’t ask, I won’t tell you anything. I was told to use the program’s tools. Read the Big Book. Read the Twenty-Four Hour Book. Make phone calls. After a month, my sponsor asked how I was doing. “Are you reading the Twenty-Four Hour Book?” “Yes.” “Are you making phone calls?” “Yes.” “Are you reading the Big Book?” “No.” “Why?” “I don’t have a lamp.” So I was told to buy a lamp. A month later: “Are you reading the Big Book?” “No.” “Why?” “I don’t have a light bulb.”
I was told to buy a light bulb and turn it on. Eventually I started reading the Big Book. I’m stubborn. I like things my way. It’s taken a lot of work for me to change. I finally accepted I was a food addict by writing out my history and looking at it honestly.
The way I worked the Second Step was that I didn’t believe in God. If there was a God, I didn’t think He would help me because I was so screwed up. I was told I could make my own concept of God. At the top of a piece of paper, I wrote, “God does not do deals.” I was told that whenever I was willing to do it His way, He would help me. Whenever I wanted to do it my way, He wouldn’t interfere. That eliminated my ability to blame God for what happened in my life. I finally realized I was the problem. When I took my Third Step, I did it exactly as described in the original manuscript of the Big Book, on my knees with my sponsor. Then I sat down and wrote my Fourth Step. For the first time, it opened up a conscience in me.
God allowed me to feel the pain I had caused in people’s lives. I felt the pain I caused my sons through my abuse.
I remember one Mother’s Day when I didn’t buy my wife a present. She was hurt. My reaction was, “You’re not my mother, why should I buy you a present?” I thought I was justified. When I took my Fourth Step, I finally saw how much that hurt her. When I made amends to my sons, I also made amends to my son who had passed away. I finally bought a tombstone and put it on his grave. When I went there, I found the gravesite immediately even though I had never been there before. I broke down crying and apologized for pretending he had never existed.
When I made amends to my other son, he told me it was okay. I said, “No, it’s not okay. What I did was wrong.”He told me what it was like not hearing from me for five years, not getting a postcard, birthday card, or any acknowledgment. Today I call my kids. One of the biggest miracles was when my oldest son let me take my granddaughter to the park by myself. The miracle was that I could play with a small child without hurting them. My life has changed so much. For years I thought my sponsor’s favorite name for me was an insult because I wouldn’t do anything I was told to do. Three years later, he finally called me by my first name.
I thought he had changed. It never occurred to me that I might have changed because I was finally doing what I was told. I need tough sponsors. I need sponsors who tell me the truth. Things don’t get better unless I change. Making amends taught me that an amends is not saying “I’m sorry.” It is doing my best to right a wrong. One of my first amends involved money I had stolen from a coworker. I justified it because he had stolen from me first. My sponsor told me I was not allowed to mention what he had done. I could only make amends for what I had done. I handed him the money and confessed. He handed the envelope back and said my confession was enough. I was broke and thought that was wonderful. My sponsor told me the money didn’t belong to me. It belonged to him. I took it back. The second time I gave it to him, I told him, “I don’t care what you do with it. It belongs to you.”
When I walked away, it was the first time I ever felt clean with another person. I made amends to my father, but I initially refused to make amends to my mother because she was asleep. My sponsor drove me all the way back to Sacramento. We did the first three steps on our knees in my parents’ yard. I made amends to both of them. Within six months, my mother died, and less than a year later my father died.
I thank God I was able to make those amends while they were alive. I also made amends to grocery stores I had stolen from as a child. One store was still family-owned. I explained to the owners that I was a food addict and needed to make amends. One of them looked at me and said, “We’re clean.” He understood. I walked out crying. I understand I don’t have to like everything I do in this program, but I should do it. People ask if I’m never going to eat flour and sugar again. I tell them I pray to God I don’t. That only happens if I continue working this program. I went to the doctor about a week and a half ago. I’m sixty-three years old. My doctor told me I was healthier than anyone younger than me he had seen all week. Today my blood pressure is fine. I no longer take pain medication. I have an artificial hip. Every time I go through the airport, I set off the metal detector. One time I didn’t set it off, and that scared me. One of the first miracles I remember was bending over and tying both shoes while still breathing. I used to tie my shoes really tight and slip them on because I couldn’t bend over. I had a long-handled shoehorn because there was no other way. I hated myself so much I cut all my hair off because I didn’t want to look in the mirror. Today I don’t have any hair, but it’s not because I hate myself. It’s just the way it is. It is strictly by the grace of God that I’m abstinent. I truly believe this is the only thing that works for me. Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life from alcohol, and FA saved my life from food. I tried everything before I came here. I’m an isolator. I met my wife in this program on an outreach call on Thanksgiving Day. We went to a movie together. Because I didn’t yet have a full year, my sponsor said we were not allowed to be alone. I felt like a teenager. I learned how to date in this program. I proposed to my wife in Monterey. She thought I was going to break up with her. We were both terrified. We got married on a farm. I watched her arrive in a horse-drawn carriage while my granddaughter scattered flower petals one at a time. Someone in the program who was very close to me performed our ceremony. That was a direct result of this program. I was told a long time ago that we drag ourselves to meetings until our mind shows up. Then we drag our mind until our heart shows up. Then we drag our heart until our soul shows up. Then God can come in and heal all three.
That’s what happened for me. Today I pray before every meal. I pray on my knees in the morning and at night. I thank God for my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. Today I’m learning how to be a husband. I’ve always taken. Today I’m learning how to share. One of the little things I enjoy is taking my wife a cup of coffee in the morning. That makes me feel good.
Before, if there was a certain food in the refrigerator and friends came over, all I could think about was how to hide it so nobody would find it. Today my house is open to anybody.
My life is open to people. I am very grateful for Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. For a person who used to call it “Fat Asses Anonymous,” it took me a long time to realize that I’m one of them. I’m grateful that when I admitted what I called this program, you people didn’t kick me out. I was arrogant. Extremely arrogant. I refused to do what I was told.
If you stick around this program long enough, one of two things will happen. You’ll either give up and leave, or you’ll change. I finally accepted that I am a food addict, that my life is completely unmanageable, and that I need help. I’m very grateful for you people and for my Higher Power. I’m grateful He led me to my wife and for my children today. The son I abused the most sang at our wedding. That meant a lot to me. Today he comes to me and asks for help. That’s a miracle. Today I can be a father for the first time in my life. I can be available to answer questions, but I can’t cure him. All I can do is tell him what I did and hope he does it. For that, I’m extremely grateful.
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