This transcript is produced by Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous, also known as FA. FA is a program based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is free and open to anyone who wants to stop eating addictively. The following is one FA member’s story of recovery. The opinions expressed here are those of the individual member and do not represent FA as a whole. If you are new to or uncertain about FA, we encourage you to listen to several stories to learn more about what the program offers.
Hello. Welcome to the qualification meeting. I’m a food addict from Florida, and I will be the leader for this hour.
I’m so grateful to be here. I had to call my sponsor before this started because I said I forgot my share. I’ve heard so many shares, I forgot my own. She said no. She’s heard me hundreds of times. I didn’t forget my share.
Let’s see. I’ll start from the beginning. I grew up in San Francisco. I’m sixty-nine years old. When I grew up in San Francisco, we didn’t have TV. My mom didn’t drive a car. She never learned to drive a car. My parents were older. I had a brother. We lived in a walk-up flat, and my dad was a blue-collar worker. We had a very simple life.
I remember being afraid most of the time. Afraid of my dad, afraid of life, afraid to go to kindergarten. I remember that really distinctly. But I didn’t gain a lot of weight because my mom was not a good cook. She boiled everything out of a can or used the pressure cooker. It was just not good. What I did do was suck my thumb. I think I sucked my thumb until I was seven years old, at which point my parents taped my mouth shut in order for me to stop. It was drastic measures. It seems like drastic measures are recurring in my life as well.
We grew up in this small apartment, and since my parents were older- my dad was in his forties, and my mom was right behind him- we just never had company over. I didn’t get to have friends come over. We didn’t have relatives come over. It was just a lot of isolation, even as a kid. Being afraid and with no other ideas coming to mind, I pretty much filled in the blanks. As I came into this program, I saw the truth. I thought my parents were older, and I always wanted other people’s parents. I wanted what my brother had. I wanted what the kids at school had. I wanted anything but what I had.
I had this discontent throughout my life. I remember my brother telling me, “You’re left-handed, and you have green eyes. You’re a witch.” I said, “No, I’m not.” Then I would think, “Am I?” in my head. It was things like that. My head was filled with all kinds of fear, doubt, and insecurity. But it didn’t show up on my body because I sucked my thumb, my mom didn’t cook well, and we didn’t have company over. The interesting part was that I isolated a lot. Coming home from school, I’d just go to my room or do my homework. But when I was at school, I was really outgoing and friendly. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be like them, not like me.
I had a kind of double-sided personality—very friendly on the outside, but closed off and isolating myself at home. I remember distinctly in this program recognizing that I married my first husband because of his family. I wanted his family. They were of another ethnic group. They had huge dinners. His mom worked. She had her own car. They would go on vacations, take movies, and watch the movies. We never did anything like that.
So I wanted his family. I married into his family, and then it wasn’t like that at all. My parents never drank, but in his family they drank. I didn’t see it at first. I got married at eighteen. That didn’t turn out well. Choosing because I wanted something else. That’s really what fear, doubt, and insecurity do for me. That’s what food addiction does for me. I don’t see well. I don’t think clearly. I make choices that aren’t right, and then there I am. I remember we bought our first home and borrowed the down payment from my parents, who were the simple people who only lived in an apartment. We borrowed the down payment from them and bought the home. As we were moving in, I remember looking across the street and saying, “We should have gotten that house.” There’s just no end to my dissatisfaction. As time went by, food addiction really began to take on its role in my life. It soothed me, comforted me, entertained me, and kept me from seeing what was really going on. My husband was a drinker. Sometimes he’d come home with a paycheck and sometimes not. As time went by, the food just filled the need that I had. Eventually, my ex-husband called and said he wasn’t coming back home and to tell the kids he was sorry. For about three years, I really sought a Higher Power, and that really helped me. I didn’t continue to gain weight. For three years, that took the place. God really showed up for me because I called on God, as our ABCs tell us. You seek God, and you’ll find God.
After three years, things got tough. We moved from a big four-bedroom home to a townhouse. I had to park in the front because the back was too scary. I had to go from part-time work to full-time work. I had two and three jobs to get the kids through school and the things they did. It was tough. As food addicts, depending on food is just an empty promise. It’s like a mirage. I’d run for it, I’d get it, and then it would be gone. Time went by. As a single mom, I got by. But it seemed the fear, doubt, and insecurity in my life caused me to continually make bad decisions. I remember I had a really good job. I was a vice president of a very good company. I had over two hundred people reporting to me. They accidentally sent all the vice presidents’ payroll sheets to me instead of just mine. I saw that I was making less money than people who were performing at a lower level than I was.
I was furious.
Then I had my quarterly review, and I was criticized. By then I was like a boil. Touch me here—ow. Touch me there—ow. I was so super sensitive and eating all the time. What I decided to do was quit a job I’d had for twenty years because they weren’t treating me right. After I made the decision, I saw that it wasn’t the right one. I lived in Los Angeles at the time. I packed my bags and all my belongings and moved in with my son. I decided to go back to school. I don’t know why I say “go back” because I never went to college. I decided to go to college, and I thought that was what was missing in me—a degree. Even though I had a well-paid, high-position job, I thought a degree would fix me.
I went to college for one year without FA, and it was horrible. I couldn’t remember what I read. I’d read things over and over. I couldn’t make sense of anything. I didn’t know what classes I needed to complete the degree.
Then I found FA. It was a meeting in Cupertino. I came in on November 21, 1997, and I met a sweet little lady who came up and said she’d sponsor me. She wasn’t so sweet. That night she was sweet, and she told me what to get. I had to get a scale. Whole Foods was right next door. I had to get the food, go home, and call her at 5:30 in the morning. I mean, 5:30. I think I got up at 5:30 to go to the airport once, but I kept waking up at 3:30. Is it 5:30? Then 4:30. Finally, I called her at 5:30. She went over what I wrote down, and lo and behold, that wasn’t even a vegetable. I didn’t even know what vegetables were. So she corrected that, and I had it in the house, so I was okay. I left that day and ate exactly what I wrote on that page. I get choked up today just thinking about it. I ate exactly what she told me to eat that next day, November 22, 1997. That’s coming up on seventeen years. I never did anything anybody told me. I could do what they told me, but in my way. I’d do it my style. So I did what she said. It just blew me away.
Let me tell you what I was eating just before I came into the program. I’d get up in the morning and have a protein shake with some fruit. I’m sure it was way too much protein, and I would be so full. I’d say, “I’m treating myself right today.” I’d have a small bag lunch that I’d take to college, and off I’d go. Around two or three o’clock, I would go to the vending machine, and it was over for me. After the vending machine, I would leave and go to two drive-throughs and the food court. I had to go to that food court. Then I would go to the bakery. I would go to the sweet shop. I’d stop at the Safeway store before I got home and buy something that you bake, but I couldn’t wait to bake it. I’d mix it and drink it. Then I’d go over everything and say, “Let’s see, I had the sweet and the crunchy and the salty, the gooey, the cold. I had this and that. I had it all. I’m not having that again.” The next day I did it again. I was using credit cards. I didn’t have the cash. I was getting sick. I just could not stop eating those things. I had to have them.
When I came into the program, although my top weight was 197, I didn’t care what I weighed. Absolutely not. That was so far from my mind. If somebody could just tell me how to stop. How do you stop? I couldn’t pass those drive-throughs, the food court, the grocery store, or that sweet shop. I just couldn’t. I would say my car was driving me there. I did that for weeks and weeks and weeks until I thought I was possessed. I probably was. I have a food addict mind. I thought I was possessed. I didn’t care if I ever lost a single pound. If somebody could just help me stop doing that.
Now you can see how much of a miracle it was when, on the twenty-second, I ate what I said I was going to eat. The next morning I called her and said, “I’m abstinent.” She just said, “Good morning.” I said, “I’m abstinent.” I was elated. The meetings were far away. They were over an hour away. This went on every day. She would say, “Good morning.” I’d say, “I’m abstinent.” She would say, so kindly, “Thank God.” That’s all she’d say. “Thank God.”
After two weeks of this, her saying “Good morning,” me saying “I’m abstinent,” and her saying “Thank God,” I said, “Yeah, but I’m doing it.” In two weeks I already had all my arrogance back. When I said, “I’m doing it,” I meant I was chopping and shopping and washing. I found out in the first week that there are seasons on fruit. I remember getting five of these fruits for the morning, then I went back and the guy said, “They’re out of season.” Out of season? The fruit I had was fruit roll-ups. They’re always in season. So I was really learning. I was chopping and shopping and getting to my meetings. If I wasn’t ten minutes early, I was late. If I wasn’t calling on time, I didn’t get the call. That’s what I meant. “Yeah, well, I’m doing it.”
She said so simply, “Well, Judy, you weren’t able to do it before.” I swear to you, I had a spiritual experience. She was so right. I was never able to do it before. Not begging, not keeping it out of the house, not any of that stuff. Not having enough money. I’d just charge it. She was right. I was never able to do it before.
At the beginning I thought, well, it must be her. She’s giving me something. I’m getting something. Later I thought it was the fellowship because I got so much from the meetings. I wasn’t able to speak, but I heard what I needed to hear, and people told my story. I had a spiritual experience at that time. The funny thing is my sponsor was telling me that she was practicing saying, “Thank you, God.” Her sponsor was helping her find a Higher Power, and her sponsor told her, “Just say thank you, God, for things that go well, and you’ll develop this spirituality.” So her development of spirituality really interconnected with me, and I had the spiritual experience. I’m still blown away by that.
Time went by. I was traveling over an hour to school, and my sponsor told me that she’d really like me to move closer to the meetings instead of all this traveling every day. I said, “I live with my son for free.” She said, “Well, you’ll have to get a part-time job.” I said, “What can I do? I’m going to school full-time, and I’m living for free.” She said, “You’ll find something.” That’s really where developing spiritual belief and trust came in.
I got this job taking care of a woman. She was younger than me, but she had an illness and needed someone to cook her meals, be with her while she ate, clean her home, and go grocery shopping. That’s about it. In exchange for that, I got the condo right next door to her. I got this place to live for free. Then I told my sponsor, “I got the place, but how am I going to pay cable and electricity and everything?” She said, “See if they’ll let you rent out the rooms.”
So I went back to them and said, “Would you mind if I rented out a couple of rooms?” They said, “No, that’s your condo. As long as you’re doing this job, that’s your condo to use.” So I rented out a couple of the rooms, and voilà, I had money and a place to live for free. The job really wasn’t difficult. In fact, she helped me. I’d talk about my homework at college, and she was a Stanford graduate. She helped me. God provides. God so provides.
I moved out of my son’s place and over there. I got roommates. Then my son’s business lease ran out, and he moved to Arizona only about three months later. My sponsor knew what I needed, or God told my sponsor what I needed, before I even knew I needed it.
I had one roommate, and she had the sofa. She was leaving, and I was getting another roommate, but she had to take the sofa. I asked her if I could keep it, and she said, “No, I’ve got to take it.” Her son-in-law and his husband came to help her move her bedroom furniture and everything else out. As they were putting it in the van, a man two doors down said, “Anybody need a sofa?” I said, “I do.” He said, “Okay, but I have a bad back. I can’t help you move it.” They picked it up and moved it right to where that sofa had been. God is unbelievable. But we have to trust. We really have to trust.
Thank you for listening.